you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
