I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
