She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
