He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
