i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize