nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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