even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
