now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Randomize
