so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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