I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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