I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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