He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
