I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
