The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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