Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
