My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
