He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
