Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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