someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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