I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
