Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
