I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize