Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
