My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize