You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
