How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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