saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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