New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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