How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
