the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
