She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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