I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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