Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i've created a new STD.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
