Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize