Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
