i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
