Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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