I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
