Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
