Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
