Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
