your room smells of hookers.
And success
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize