this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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