At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
