Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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