You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
