I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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