Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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