If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
