That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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