I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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