so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
