my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
