Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
