i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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