So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Of course I have a pirate flag
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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