There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
