those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
